The work of my political satirist alter ego…
The Onion Packet
A List of Exactly 25 Onion-style Headlines:
Matt Gaetz Causes Mass Dog Exodus After Blowing Protest Whistle Outside Capitol Building For 5 Hours
Trump Declines California’s Offer To Host Fireside Chat
Racehorses Move Forward With Union Strike, Citing Numerous Deaths And Invention Of Cars As Grounds For Racing Ban
Marianne Williamson Levitates Across Kansas In Giant Bubble While Pledging to “Gla-Win-Da” Next Debate
Bloomberg Enters 2020 Presidential Race, Says It’s About Time A Wealthy White Man Shook Things Up A Little
Saoirse Ronan Arrested For Manslaughter After Strangling Reporter Who Cracked Pun About Mispronouncing Her Name
Lin Manuel-Miranda In Talks To Co-Write Groundbreaking New Musical “Dogs”
Dad Forces Children To Watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” Instead Of Paying For Family Therapy Session
Leonardo DiCaprio Splits From Girlfriend After She Makes Mistake Of Turning 25
Millennial Successfully Sells “Cultural Artifact” Colloquially Known As iPod Nano To Unsuspecting Teen Influencer For $150,000
Newborn Disowns Parents Over Underwhelming Number Of Views On YouTube Birth Video
Dogs Named Boomer Pleased To Be Hearing “Ok” More Than Ever
Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey Plants 300 Trees In Golden Gate Park While High On Peyote
White Claw Manufacturer Urges Sorority Members To “Please Drink Franzia, Or Something Else” In Effort To Dispel Demographic Stereotypes
Graphic Design Majors Boycott Timotheé Chalamet’s New Movie Over Controversial Bowl-Cut, Claim “We Did It First”
Ciabatta And Baguette To Battle For Championship Title In New UFC Breadweight Category
Greta Thunberg Says “No Thanks” After Elon Musk Proposes Catapulting Her Back Across Atlantic In Untested Hyperloop
English Teacher Accidentally Mispronounces ‘Epitome’ In Front Of Class, Briefly Considers Death
Martin Short, Tired Of All The Jokes, Finally Undergoes Leg Extension Surgery
New York Man Becomes Florida Man Just In Time For Tax Season
Elizabeth Warren Forgets To Pop Collar, Suffers Polling Dip In Iowa
PG&E CEO Moves Into New Solar-Powered Home After Using Taxpayer Bonus To Purchase SF Property
God Reviews Kanye’s New Album “Jesus is King” for Pitchfork, Gives It 4.2
Beto O’Rourke Announces Plans To Finish Degree At Oberlin After Taking Gap Year To Run For President
“Hear Me Out” Says Guy Playing Devil’s Advocate In Gender Studies Class
Three (3) News In Briefs:
1. Trump Declines California’s Offer To Host Fireside Chat
WASHINGTON—Following national uproar over Trump’s alleged quid pro quo conversation with Ukrainian leader Volodymyr Zalensky, the President announced he would love to read the “perfect call” aloud to Americans in an FDR-esque fireside chat, as to dispel all murmurings of impeachment. Upon hearing this, Democratic representatives for California expressed their delight, and immediately extended an invitation for President Trump to, “Please come to Sonoma, or Santa Clarita, or San Diego, or San Bernardino! We have many fires ready and waiting for you.” Governor Gavin Newsome even offered to provide special solar-powered recording equipment—an admittedly necessary requirement given the mass blackouts affecting the state. Trump later turned down the invite, Tweeting: “No thanks! Too hot and liberal.” Regardless, numerous Californians were more than happy to be afforded the label “hot and liberal.”
2. Dad Forces Children To Watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” Instead Of Paying For Family Therapy Session
GRESHAM, OR—As the holidays approach, many are beginning to feel the stirrings of familial tension, angst, and anxiety. Some seek to tackle these obstacles through counseling and open conversation. However, Paul Matthews, a father of three, husband of one, and occasional extramarital lover to Kathy from accounting, has a different solution. “Just jam that cinematic masterpiece into the Blu-ray, and you’ve got a problem solved,” says Matthews. He is, of course, referring to the 1946 cult classic, It’s A Wonderful Life. When asked why he forces his family to watch the film at least once every Thursday before December 25, Matthews responded, “Therapy is a waste of time. Why would I pay hundreds to sit on a couch and listen when I only have to spend $13.99 once to do the exact same thing?” Matthews’ wife and children were later interviewed privately, and admitted to attending therapy sessions outside of the home. “Shit-talking Dad always boosts our mood, especially after movie night.” But how do they feel about the film? “Honestly, it makes publicly threatening suicide even more appealing.”
3. Graphic Design Majors Boycott Timotheé Chalamet’s New Movie Over Controversial Bowl-Cut, Claim “We Did It First”
GREENWICH VILLAGE, NY—In his new Netflix film The King, every Gen Zer’s wet dream Timotheé Chalamet portrays a young and morally-conflicted Henry V. Chalamet is already earning rave reviews from critics. However, not everyone seems to be hailing The King, as the movie was met with a highly-publicized boycott from a very small group of people. But who would have the gall to bitterly refrain from watching a fresh new take on the rarely explored movie territory of 15th century monarchical England? The answer: NYU graphic design majors. The leader of this movement, Patrick Mayberry, told reporters stationed outside the group’s picket line near the SVA Theatre, that Chalamet’s controversial bowl-cut is what prompted such an emphatic response from the Carhart-clad students. “Plain and simple, we did it first. We’re leveraging outrage. Let’s not get wrapped up in the political zeitgeist of this visual appeal to culture. Any other questions?” When prompted to explain what exactly he meant, Mayberry would only say, “We’ll let our protest speak for itself.”
Five (5) Feature Jokes For “Tips For Apartment Hunting”:
“Remember to smile through your lie when you tell the landlord his no vaping policy is absolutely not a problem.”
“Bring a blacklight to the showing and be sure to take note of any suspicious drag marks or wall splatters. You’re trying to live, not die here.”
“Avoid getting monetarily thrashed by learning to spot the difference between genuine hardwood and laminate flooring. You might be a renter, but you’re not an animal.”
“Prove to the landlord that you’re a cool and capable person by purposely choking on a hard candy in front of them, then heimlicking yourself back to perfect health.”
“Don’t answer any ‘nuturing soapmakers (brother and sister) seeking vulnerable roommate’ ads on Craigslist unless you want to be sucked into a polygamy-based, filial cult.”
