Disclaimer: Unpublished and unplanned.

My McSweeney’s Lists

HOW TO BEST YOUR NEMESIS

1. Hate them, quietly and privately

2. Talk about how much you hate your nemesis to your Photo Booth camera

3. Wave hi to the government and/or independent contract hacker who is watching you talk about how much you hate your nemesis to your Photo Booth camera

4. Get distracted and record yourself reciting Laura Dern’s Oscar-winning monologue from the 2019 film “Marriage Story”

5. Re-watch the recording you made of yourself reciting Laura Dern’s Oscar-winning monologue from the 2019 film “Marriage Story” and realize you are not a good actor, you will never be a good actor, and you are not hot enough to be even a bad actor

6. Cry

7. Turn those tears into hate-fuel

8. Pour that fuel onto your nemesis, metaphorically

9. Think about lighting a match, metaphorically, but definitely don’t actually do it (murder)

10. Tweet Roxane Gay for advice

11. Cry more and go to bed

THINGS TO SEE AT A PNW LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE

A hammock on top of another hammock on top of another hammock. (Each hammock cradles at least one ENVS major.)

Bare feet in the dining hall. 

Absolutely no Republicans. 

Probably more than $19,000 worth of Nalgene reusable water bottles. 

One Black professor.

Soy curls in limp tortillas.  

The most beautiful campus you will ever lay eyes on. 

So many alumni events. 

A brand new Career Center that is permanently void of any students.

The football team win a game for the first time in eight years.

Abject misery. 

Student tour guides always walking backward up icy stairs.  

Student tour guides always falling.

Fabulous acapella concerts.

Me, from 2015-2019, romanticizing my undergrad experience.